Held Together

The day after Jim died, my friend Carrie came by to visit and we talked about Jim’s funeral. As we talked through what Jim wanted for readings and music she said she’d get it all together and send me a draft bulletin to review. I said, ‘oh, it’s already done.’ Carrie laughed and said, ‘of course you have that done’ and then after a pause ‘now send it to me and remember that you are not the priest right now, you are the wife.’

These roles haven’t always been intertwined for me even though Jim and I met and began dating shortly after my ordination. We had only been going out for a couple of months when he first brought up the topic of us getting married. I responded, as kindly as possible because I didn’t want to shoo him away that I was still trying to figure out what being a priest was all about and I couldn’t do that and figure out how to be husband and wife together at the same time. I told him I wasn’t saying no just not ready to talk about it yet. Apparently in my efforts to explain myself I said something along the lines of ‘give me 6 months’ because 6 months later to the day, he asked again. He even showed me where he wrote on his calendar. (I said yes.)

As we began having conversations with the other priest at the church where I was serving we decided to keep the wedding date a secret and that we would get married as part of a regular Sunday morning service just like a baptism is done. For the first part of the service, Jim and I sat in the congregation. After the reading of scripture, Fr. Jim (FYI – dating someone with the same first name as a priest in the parish is tricky) called us forward and we said our vows and he blessed our marriage. After the Passing of the Peace, we moved into the place where I sat as a priest as I put on a stole and assisted with Holy Communion. It was an intentional bringing together of my roles of wife and priest.

Carrie’s words brought me to the realization that I must now untether these roles. It will take time and intentionality and there’s no hurry. In these past weeks, as my church has generously given me time to grieve, I’ve thought about how comforting – and often awkward feeling – it has been to let them minister to me. One of my grounding ideals as a priest is that it is my role to equip and enable others to do their ministry as together we all follow Jesus. They are an amazing group of people who truly have hospitality in their collective DNA. They show up and do life together, and I can say with much love and comfort that I’m doing life with them and I am so very grateful.

I have one more week before stepping back into regular routines and obligations and the joy of being their priest. My first ‘event’ will be a pre-Advent retreat day that we had scheduled months ago and I’m excited that is what’s first in this new chapter that we will write together as we walk it. Leading retreats is my favorite thing to do and it was really how I began my relationship with this amazing congregation. In the spring of 2021, they asked me to lead them on a day of listening and discernment to discover how the Holy Spirit was leading them. They knew there wasn’t ‘going back’ after the COVID pandemic and they wanted to follow Jesus as faithfully as possible moving forward. It was a wonderful day. So in a week I’ll lead them in a conversation about orienting ourselves in all ways to the coming of Jesus, into history as God incarnate, into the ordinary and extraordinary moments of our lives each day of the now and not yet, and into the someday fully realized Kingdom on earth as in Heaven.

I am held together by love: God’s love, Jim’s love for me and mine for him, the loving acts of prayer and food and conversation with the good people of St. Francis by the Lake Episcopal Church and our bishop and diocese and my fellow clergy, and of course by my family and friends. Kingdom Love is the strongest force I know. God is good and I’m ok.

And just in case you need to hear this – you are held together by love, too. You are loved and worthy of love.