Undiscovered Biases (MMOW2)

In the church of my childhood women were allowed to teach only children and other women. Women could hold no leadership role in the church. As a teen, I remember knowing deep in my heart that God was calling me to a role in the church. I tried to have a conversation with my youth minister but all he could tell me was that maybe I was supposed to marry a preacher. So, I just decided I didn’t know how to listen to God and I buried that calling.

And years later when I was introduced to the Episcopal Church and God reawakened my call, I naively thought that I’d be able to be fully me in the church that ordains women. But even in a church that ordains women, there are undiscovered biases that expect women to adjust themselves to accommodate men’s oversized egos (I’m not saying all men have oversized egos, not all do and those that don’t, don’t expect anyone to adjust to accommodate them).

13 years ago when I was in seminary, I was unpleasantly surprised that people were debating whether it was ‘appropriate’ for women to wear open toed shoes while serving at the altar. I have had countless men in my congregations feel it was their right to comment on my hair, clothing, and color of nail polish. I’ve been told, “you don’t look like a priest.” People will call men who are priests Father LastName and me Mother FirstName or just by my first name and not see the disparity.

At my second parish, on my second or third Sunday there, a precious lady came to say how much she appreciated my sermon and then said she just couldn’t call me Mother because she was so much older than me. I asked her what she called the other priest (who is a man) and she said without hesitation Father MMMM. I asked her if she knew that he was a decade younger than me? I saw the lightbulb go on in her head and she hugged me and apologized and said she was so ashamed that she hadn’t even considered that. I told her there was no reason to be ashamed. We all have undiscovered biases. What’s important is what we do when we discover them. From that moment on, she corrected anyone and everyone who didn’t call me Mother Nancy and told them the story of her epiphany.

We can only discover our undisclosed biases if we are willing to admit we can be wrong about things, if we are willing to continually grow into who God made us to be. Our life on this earth is a journey of growth as we follow Jesus. The moment we say “I’ve got it all figured out” we’ve lost the Jesus plot.

Even with constantly navigating the undiscovered biases of the Episcopal Church, I am grateful to be a member and a priest. It is challenging to lead as a woman, not because God didn’t equip me for such a role but because people don’t always realize they deal with priests who are women and priests who are men differently. Some days, I do think this is one of many reasons God called me to ordination in the Episcopal Church, to help us all uncover more of these biases buried deep within people and the institution. Some days, I wish I wasn’t so passionate about doing so. It’s frustrating and exhausting. Most every day, I seek to be a better Jesus-led leader than I was yesterday. Some days I’m not. And, I’m grateful for all of the people who encourage and love and support my journey.

In the “Musings of a Middle-aged Ordained Woman” (I wish it was a better acronym than MMOW …) blog posts I will explore Jesus-led leadership, whether woman or man. I think we’ve tried (unconsciously or consciously?) too long to lead with power rather than by journeying with others from cooperation to collaboration to communion. I hope you find it helpful. I hope you share it with those you know who want to be Jesus-led leaders. I hope you share your thoughts and experience with me.

I’ll continue to post Sunday reflections and sermons and other ponderings as well. Thanks for journeying with me and keep loving louder than the hate.