Today was a hard day. I guess it started last evening when Jim’s daughter texted me to say it was the 9 month anniversary of his death. I realized that I was still saying he’s been gone for 6 months. Her birthday is today and we talked about “getting through the firsts.” I got to thinking about the firsts we’ve been through: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Jim’s Birthday, Easter, my Birthday, and I can’t remember how I got through any of them. I’ve been on autopilot for much of the past nine months.
So, all this was on my mind as I walked out the front door this morning to head for the church and discovered an issue with my car. My reaction was to turn around and go back in … to tell Jim. But he isn’t here. So I texted my son (who lives 4 hours away and I knew he couldn’t do anything but he’s the longest known constant in my life I know I can depend on so I reflexively reached out) as well as a gentleman from the church who is so very kind and has said ‘call me if you need anything.’ Between the two of them and me texting pictures of the issue, we decided it was ok to drive carefully to the church where he could look at it.
I know nothing of cars except how to drive one and how to put gas in. I don’t even like driving, it’s just a necessity that I must do in life. My son’s response was so encouraging. He assumed that if he told me what needed to be done, I could just crawl under there with the right tools and do it, which I took as a great compliment. He thinks his mum is capable of doing whatever needs doing! I choose, however, not to know about fixing cars or to learn it. And yet, this whole situation made me teary and feel incompetent, even with my son’s compliment. Talking it through with a wise friend, I realized what I was actually feeling was sadness, and yes, a bit of anger, that Jim wasn’t with me to help me solve the problem. He knew lots about cars and liked doing ‘car stuff’. We used to joke that when he retired he’d be my full-time chauffeur. But then he realized he’d have to get up early to drive me to work so he said he’d be my evening and weekend chauffeur only.
This was another first – my first real car issue since Jim died. The thickness of my grief has begun to thin and so I wonder if I can more clearly see and experience the firsts? It won’t be long until I’m journeying through the ‘seconds’. I wonder how it will all feel. I’ll know when I get there. What I do know now is this: having been raised in a family in which emotions were inconvenient, I’m grateful to be learning to face my emotions (yes, even the painful ones), to work with them, learn from them, and experience life fully with them because emotions are part of how God made us to be human. And I want to continuously grow into who God made me to be. I’ve chosen to know more about what it is to be fully human. I can find someone who knows more about cars and can fix them. I can’t find anyone else to be me except me. I am most fully me in relationship with God and with others when I accept and live into the fullness of being human: heart, soul, mind, and strength (aka: emotions, the ‘self’ that makes me me, thoughts, physicality).
I pray that if you hesitate to acknowledge your emotions or any part of your humanness that sharing my experiences will encourage you to explore why. It’s not selfish or self-centered. It’s part of learning to love God, our neighbors, and ourselves with our whole humanness. We are never too old to begin this work of being fully who God made us to be.
And just to tie up the story – the parishioner met me at the church and was able to make it a bit safer to drive so that I could get it to the mechanic. The issue is fixed and I’m safely home again. I am so grateful for all who are willing to do life with me and give me the privilege of doing life with you.
Keep loving louder than the hate in this world!
Mother Nancy's Coffee Thoughts 