Loving Kindness

What does it mean to be kind? When someone harms you by their behaviors and words, is it kind or nice to ignore it?

I have recently been navigating a challenging relationship in which one person has lied about what I’ve said and another person chooses to believe their lies and aggressively confront me with orders to “give them grace.” When I say “they lied” and when I’ve tried to discuss the other person’s regular patterns of harmful and self-centered behavior, I’m told to stop being mean and hateful.

And so I’ve been spending some time with the idea of being kind and what does Jesus show us about kindness. In some theological circles it has been taught that Jesus wants us to be doormats who never stand up for ourselves. But my study of scripture tells me this is not true.

In Matthew’s telling of the Good News Story, Jesus says, “do not resist an evil doer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also (Matthew 5:39, NRSV). When we understand this statement in the appropriate cultural context (1st Century Palestine, not 21st Century North America) it becomes a statement about standing up for equal justice, not being a doormat. Here is an excellent video commentary from the BibleProject on this section of Matthew.

As Jesus sends the disciples out to carry to the Good News of God’s Love to others he says, “I’m sending you out like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:18, NRSV). Serpents were understood as a symbol of cunning and wisdom. In other words, use the wisdom of God’s love to navigate each situation you find yourself in; don’t seek retaliation against those who attempt to bring you harm.

Let me offer two more quick examples of Jesus modeling for us how to be in healthy human relationships. Matthew, Mark, and Luke (Matthew 19:16-0, Mark 10:17-31, Luke 18:18-30) all offer a story about Jesus and a rich man who lived transactionally rather than relationally. God’s law was a checklist to earn God’s due favor. Jesus tells him he must live God’s law of love by using what he has to love his neighbor as himself, to want for his neighbor what he desires for himself. And the man walks away because his wealth was more important to him than God or any person. And Jesus let him walk away. Jesus didn’t chase him or scold him or belittle him or threaten him. Jesus didn’t say to the man, ‘you just behave however you choose and I’ll pretend all is good’ because that is not what grace is.

In John’s telling of the Good News, he offers a story of a woman brought to Jesus with accusations of adultery (John 7:53 – 8:11). Jesus tells the people who are witnessing this unjust spectacle that the one who has never done anything wrong should be the one who administers the punishment. Jesus is confronting the unjust law that says a woman is the one who should be punished in crimes involving sexual exploitation. Again, understanding this scenario in the context of first century Palestine, a woman had no identity except in relation to the men around her, no rights, no worth, no agency. So, Jesus looks at the men and says do better than what the law requires, go a step further and apply God’s justice to the situation. Apply the same standards of behavior to yourself that you hold others accountable to.

Being kind is part of loving well, yes, but loving as Jesus shows us means always wanting the best for another. Enabling others in their harmful self-centered behaviors by turning a blind eye isn’t love. Love has the wisdom and courage to attempt to correct without the motivation of revenge or retaliation and love as Jesus shows us allows us to hold healthy boundaries as a model for the mutual accountability necessary for all healthy relationships.

Love does not require us to continuously place ourselves in the path of another’s harmful behaviors. Love requires that we do not seek revenge or retaliation when we are harmed but instead work diligently for justice in all situations. Justice involves accountability and right action and appropriate consequences. Love means holding boundaries for those who choose not to have any. Love means standing up for ourselves and each other without being blind to our own or others harmful behaviors. Love isn’t easy and love doesn’t always feel like joy. Sometimes the best way to love is to say “I will not let you harm me or others because your harmful behaviors also damage your soul and interfere with everyone’s ability to have a healthy relationship.”

And sometimes to be our best, we have to put some distance between ourself and the one who is harming us so that we aren’t triggered into behaving badly. It may appear we are holding a grudge in our distance and silence but what we are really doing is holding up a boundary so we can be our best selves and heal from the hurt.

I’ve learned that being a good person does not mean I have to bear another’s bad behavior in silence, that I can say hard things in a kind way. And I know that in my hurt I’m not always the best at saying hard things in a kind way; I’m working on it. This is grace – that I know that people hurt others because they too are wounded. Grace doesn’t excuse bad behavior or make it acceptable. Grace gives us the wisdom to navigate the harmful behaviors of others with compassion and boundaries.